"The first five years of marriage are the most difficult years. You guys are just getting to know each other in the confines of marriage. So expect disagreements, frictions, power tussle, compromise etc". That was what one of the coordinators at the marriage preparatory classes said. She made it sound like once you cross the 5 year mark, you are probably safe from divorce. So part of the class was how to settle issues during the first years of marriage to keep you 'safe from divorce'.
When I heard this morning that Seal and his wife of 7 years confirmed that they can no longer stay together as man and wife, the first thing that came to my mind was that they didn't learn how to be safe from divorce since they have already crossed the 5 year mark. I joke. Jokes aside though, a couple who renew their vows and share new promises every year, have 4 children together and they seem like the power couple and role models to young Hollywood couples, made me ask, Is divorce trending? Is divorce the New Age marriage?
"We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart" Is love supposed to separate or unite?
Coming close to home, one of my friends says she cant stand her husband anymore. They are just housemates who have children together. They both understand that they are not feeling it any more but they are just staying together for the kids. One of my uncles after 18 years of marriage has decided that he cant bear his wife anymore cos she is too old and disorganized so he needs her out and a younger woman in, that is by the way sha.
Maybe we don't have a realistic view of marriage; Maybe we are blinded by what we see in the movies;Maybe we are not thoughtful, kind and appreciative of our spouse; Maybe we think marriage will just work itself out. But how can we do all it takes to make our career work, to learn as much as we can and not think that we have to work at our marriage? How can we spend time and money to develop ourselves and not think that we also need to spend time and * yes* money to develop a relationship that we claim to be important to us? How can we do all it takes to give our children the best and not think of giving our relationship the best?
I am just thinking here.
Blessings......
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that divorce is trending I think what makes it seems like its more is now there is a spotlight on it. What is was and what was is. It may seem more but truth is, it is what it always has been only now people do not feel inclined to keep quiet about it.
the fact is, marriage is not a fairytale, it takes hard work and two people deligently working on it to make it daily for it to be successful. It requires faith, trust, loyalty, a willingness on both peoples part to be honest, to speak without offending and listen without defending. When those factors are not in place and one stops be as committed things begin to fall apart. Love is like a garden it must be constantly nurtured, forget for am moment and it begins to die, neglect it and it dies a permanent death.
ON ANOTHER NOTE;
i have an award for you at my place, please follow the link http://rappingonamelody.blogspot.com/2012/01/thank-you.html
if the link does not work then click on the post named THANK YOU to find the award.
.....to speak without offending and listen without defending. It takes 2 people working diligently to make a marriage work. I love all the points you raised in the second paragraph. Thanks for the award.
Deletei love this line of sentence " to speak without offending and love without defending"... WORD.. my new strapline....
DeleteI totally agree with you! It's a pity what is going on in...no one believes in love anymore...let alone marriage...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rhapsody..it's hard work...but now and days, no one wants to work hard for anything....sigh my God help our generation!!!
Thanks for visiting Blessing. I agree with you about people not wanting to work for anything. May God help us.
DeleteMarriage is definitely at a crossroads. I've written a post about that particular line you quoted from their announcement which I'll share tomorrow. What causes couples to grow apart?
ReplyDeleteI think the things which made marriage a life time yoke - apart from love, that is, are a thing of the past and so the definition is not what it used to be. Women have more options, the stigma of being divorced - for men and women - is almost non-existent, at least in more educated/exposed circles, and so on and so on.
I'll add a link to your post - divorce is definitely trending.
I totally agree, people have more options now and the stigma of divorce is non- existent. And it is definitely easier to pack it up instead of working at it.
DeleteThanks for the mention.
Marriage scares me.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. Dont be scared.
DeleteBeing a single 20-something, I can't say that I have much to add to this conversation. I was actually pretty shocked to hear about Heidi and Seal. I suppose all that glitters really isn't gold.
ReplyDeleteI just wonder - at what point do you decide to give up and throw in the towel? And how could you possibly have allowed a relationship that you must have spent years cultivating (speaking of those divorcing after dating + being married > 5 years) to deteriorate to the point where you encounter irreconcilable differences?
Maybe people really don't know what marriage or love is supposed to be about. Maybe people have become jaded because everyone is getting divorced these days.
Love always wins.
Miss Fab asks "I just wonder - at what point do you decide to give up and throw in the towel?", and i say, perhaps at the point where you feel torn between the marriage and your sanity. But when your will fails you, what do you choose? The marriage or your sanity? When you lose your sanity, what do you have left? I'd say it's best to pray for one's marriage every single day, that is, of course, while you're working at it.
Delete@miss.fab: I agree with your maybe's. Times have changed and people have more options.
Delete@ Creative Writing news: Prayer and working at the marriage by the couple is important.
I also ask some of the questions you have asked. I believe only the few that have a realistic view of marriage and all it comes with are the ones that are happily married.
ReplyDeleteI think that people have started to view marriage as they view other relationships, such as male-male or female-female friendships. The ebb and flow of life takes us closer to some friends and farther from others. This is a problem when we start looking at our husbands or wives that way. Marriage was definitely not designed to be what Hollywood and our country seems to be making it today. That's really sad...
ReplyDeleteI for one think this is the problem; "They both understand that they are not feeling it any more..." There is still this perception of love as a feeling in our world today. The movies makes it seem like once you have that "can't do without feeling" for someone, then that's it. Funny enough, when you lose it, then love has gone! lol
ReplyDeleteThe standard God Himself laid out for love (in a relationship) is that which is without condition (of feeling). It is a determination to stay through and true with someone for the rest of your life. So when you are not feeling it anymore, stay on till the determination help you get back the rhythm!
I remember when Billy Graham was asked on a TV show, "Sir, what would you do if one day you fall out of love with your wife?" He replied with a stern look, "I will go on my knees and pray to the Lord till I fall back in love with her, I will not get up" Com'on! Now, that is love at its truest! It is not a feeling!
Blessings to you, Sis.
- LDP
Thank you for this comments... was just about to say that God being the foundation should be our source of strength...
Deletehmm i don't even know what to say. When God has been left out of the institutuion he established then abuse can occurs. #thatisall
ReplyDeleteFirst time here i think. Thanks for stopping by mine
People really do not get what marriage is about, if you don't know the use of a thing, abuse is inevitable..period, marriage like everything else in life has its ups and down but like everything else one holds on and tries to work around the obstacles until things get better..why should we expect anything less from a relationship we swore to uphold till death do us part in front of all our friends and family and most importantly God! and as LDP said above love is not a feeling...its a decision,the feelings are just a small part of it..
ReplyDeleteI don't believe divorce is trending. For every marriage that doesn't work, there are 2 others that work, so lets not turn our minds only to the negative.
ReplyDeleteI also believe that God is the author of marriage so if we live Him out of it, theres bound to be problems. Abi how can we know something than its maker?
I also believe that what most people call marriage nowadays aint marriage.
I dont believe divorce is trending
ReplyDeleteI just think it has lost some of the social stigma attached to it before.
Marriage is the only contract between two human beings that demands devotion of both mind, body and spirit. Not everyone is ready for that commitment
Marriage requires hard work and a lot of patience. Sadly however, nowadays, people are not willing to make it work and throw in the towel.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, marriages amongst "celebrities" don't mean all that. More attention seems to be paid to who they can sell exclusive wedding photos to for the highest price, than if they are entering it for the right reasons and will be committed to make it work. And with 72-day marriages of characters like the Khadashians whose lifestyle on TV is followed by millns of tweens that adore them and have them as role models, its only reinforced that you can change spouse as frequently as you change you know what and for as long as its convenient for you.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, there's an ad on the top of your page that says "1 Day Legal Separation. Separate now for $150. To start call ..." See how easy they make it in America!
Marriage remains the greatest institution given to mankind by God. It can be successful only if we decide to devote time, energy and sacrifice that it needs and deserve.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your anticipated support for my 'Give a book' campaign which you commented about in 'A-9ja-Great's' blog. God bless.
lol@Wendy's comment.
ReplyDeleteCompare $150 to a typical divorce in Nigeria which will involve counseling from your Pastor in church, your folks, your aunties and uncles and in-laws...A bit tiring I tell you. Makes you think again, cant i endure him/her just a bit longer. before you know it 10more years, 20 more years and we are celebrating Golden Jubilee :)
Anyway I am loving the responses. LDP's quote from Billy Graham deserves a worthy mention :)
yeah i think there's a lot of divorce stories going around even in our Nigerian Society. it used to be something one hears once in awhile now its more common. Another annoying trend ( which fuels the embers of divorce) is spouses living separately for long periods #myOpinion. i know sometimes job and all makes it so but...things should be worked out quickly so it doesnt take long periods
ReplyDeleteAs a single i must confess that yes sometimes marriage scare me.
never been married so i really can`t say much,I see Marriage as a job,its work work work,and divorcing is like running away from the work. its no better else where so the both parties involved have to give their all..
ReplyDeleteIn my humble opinion,people still do not understand the implications of marriage and this is the reason they jump into marriages and end up jumping out.Marriage is sacred yet people fail to understand this,they feel they can get married and get divorced if anything happens.However,it is so wrong.
ReplyDeletePhew!!! read all the comments..
ReplyDeleteI love marriage (will do a post on it one day). I love it for so many reasons deeper than what meets the eye. The thing is the concept of marriage is lost and as most people have mentioned its hardwork, sacrifice, patience and alot more, most importantly God and prayer. However, the society we live in has associated different connotations to marriage. In fact, it sometimes seen as an upgrade or promotion... like you have won an award for getting married(smh)...
I cant even begin to pour out my soul on what society has turned marriage into. If we were to follow them, chia life indeed will be more than MISERABLE...
I am tempted to mock and laugh at people but I will pray for them that God will reveal the true understanding on marriage and the love that is needed.As LDP mentioned LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, IT A CHOICE AND A DECISION... Attraction might be associated with feelings, yet again each to their own.
I believe God ordained marriage and I believe its suppose to be hardwork but the rewards should be incredible that the hardwork seems like nothing. TWO HEADS IS BETTER THAN ONE... IRON SHARPEN IRON. FOR A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS MOTHER HOUSE AND BE JOINED WITH HIS WIFE AND TWO SHALL BECOME ONE. ONE WILL CHASE one thousand and TWO ten thousand. Plenty and plenty reasons why I think marriage is sacred because its a UNION, A DECLARATION that amongst plenty women/men. U chose to help, support, live, breath, desire to fulfill dreams and hopes with that one person. ITS INCREDIBLE I FEEL.
About Hollywood romance, I have left it for them.. sad story though..
abeg pardon my essay.
Divorce is only one aspect of a broken marriage, there is still separation, and a loveless marriage, and they are all on the rise.
ReplyDeleteThumbs up at all the comments. I was shocked to hear about their split considering the fact that they spent most of their time together preggers and making babies. All d best to them i guess
ReplyDeleteI have been with my husband for almost twelve years. However, we've been married for just almost four of those years.
ReplyDeleteWe've only come this far by the grace of God and of course, sheer hard work. Sometimes, friends say that the length of our relationship is the secret to its success. I do not agree with that because, I've realized that it's very easy to get complacent when you assume that you've got everything tied up nicely. Regardless of how long we've been together, we still face sometimes, mind-boggling challenges as a couple.
The knowledge that we love each other despite any problems we may have, gets us back on track any time either or both of us become silly.
Marriage, is definitely not for the lily-livered. It's not about your feelings or a lack of them. It's about honouring vows, it's about commitment and it's about giving.
So, till every married couple realizes that, divorce will remain an option.
It's rather sad that that's the trend this days. Moreso, there's this celebration of individualism in our society which is not helping matters either. :(
ReplyDelete