Monday, January 23, 2012

Is Divorce Trending?

 "The first five years of marriage are the most difficult years. You guys are  just getting to know each other in the confines of marriage. So expect disagreements, frictions, power tussle, compromise etc". That was what one of the coordinators at the marriage preparatory classes said. She made it sound like once you cross the 5 year mark, you are probably safe from divorce. So part of the class was how to settle issues during the first years of marriage to keep you 'safe from divorce'. 

When I heard this morning that Seal and his wife of 7 years confirmed that they can no longer stay together as man and wife, the first thing that came to my mind was that they didn't learn how to be safe from divorce since they have already crossed the 5 year mark. I joke. Jokes aside though, a couple who renew their vows  and share new promises every year, have 4 children together and they seem like the power couple and  role models to young Hollywood couples, made me ask, Is divorce trending? Is divorce the New Age marriage? 

"We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart" Is love supposed to separate or unite?

Coming close to home, one of my friends says she cant stand her husband anymore. They are just housemates who have children together. They both understand that they are not feeling it any more but  they are just staying together for the kids. One of my uncles after 18 years of marriage has decided that he cant bear his wife anymore cos she is too old and disorganized so he needs her out and a younger woman in, that is by the way sha.

Maybe we don't have a realistic view of marriage; Maybe we are blinded by what we see in the movies;Maybe we are not thoughtful, kind and appreciative of our spouse; Maybe we think marriage will just work itself out. But how can we do all it takes to make our career work, to learn as much as we can and not think that we have to work at our marriage? How can we spend time and money to develop ourselves and not think that we also need to spend time and * yes* money to develop a relationship that we claim to be important to us? How can we do all it takes to give our children the best and not think of giving our relationship the best?

I am just thinking here.

Friday, January 20, 2012

To Stay or To Work

Hi all,

I hope everyone is enjoying the New Year. Though it started on a rough note for Nigerians with the removal of subsidy on gas, it also opened the people's eyes to the height of corruption displayed by the leaders. People came together to protest but it turned out that the corruption did not skip the labor tent. The subsidy was increased, people felt betrayed but people are moving on.

So far I haven't been doing badly with the goals I set for this month.#patting myself on the back# but it is just 20 days into the year so anything can still happen right?  I have managed to keep my phone away from tea parties and I have been able to spend quality time with my family without distractions from my phone or T.V. I have also  put in 'Me' time twice since the year started. As for sleep I have been doing 5 hrs straight and I think that is a good start. Exercise is a different thing. I haven't done much in that area except maybe dance to Flavour *does that count?* 

After I had my first baby and I had to go back to work, I found it a bit difficult juggling everything. I had no help in the house, my husband was away on official assignment abroad, I had to wake up early everyday, drop my baby off and then after work pick her up from my mom. Though my mom wanted me to stay over at her place till I got a help or my husband got back, I guess I didn't want to impose and I was a tad stubborn those days* I wanted to be a supermom, rme* It got so bad that I had a discussion with my husband that if he  would pay me half of what I was making working, I was going to stay at home and take care of the baby. Ofcourse he said no. Then I got a house help and my MIL came around so things eased up.

As a working mom, everyday I found it very difficult to leave my child to go to work. I am sure it was more difficult for me than her. I called home when I was free to bombard my MIL with silly questions like "was she playing well? is she smiling etc" I just felt like I was missing out. I felt guilt that my work kept me away and I didnt witness her  first steps, The first time she ate eba, the first time she counted to 5, the first time she said "dadi," which by the way was her first word etc. I felt like I failed.

The past year, I have stayed home with my children, enjoyed all their milestones. And I am here wondering why I felt like I was missing in the first place. There are good days, days that i felt like this is how it was meant to be and  then there are days I just wished I had a job outside the house. Staying at home with my children everyday is a constant test in patience, perseverance, humility...and might I add absence of privacy

I was watching a morning show last week and they were discussing the cold war between working moms and stay at home moms. Stay at home moms feel they are better than the working moms because they made a choice to stay at home and take care of their family and the working moms are viewed as selfish for working. One working mom shared a story of when she had an elbow pain and she had to go see the doctor. The nurse at the doctor's office first asked if she stayed home with the kids when she said no, the nurse went ahead to tell her that her elbow was bothering her because she is trying to do too much when all she should do is to stay home with her kids. Meanwhile the woman went in for her elbow o.

I smell envy and resentment of the working mom in most of the arguments cos she chose to have an identity outside of the home. I believe that as long as a mom is comfortable with whatever decision she has chosen, the children will do well either way. If as a working mom, you carry loads of guilt, always wishing you were home with your kids, you might not give your best at work and the time spent with your kids, you don't want to let them go. If as a stay at home mom you are resentful, bored and depressed after giving up your day job, your kids might not be as happy as they would be if they went to day care. Do what makes you happy and don't resent the person who has made a decision different from yours.

Image from Bing images

Would you be a working mom or a stay at home mom?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Happy New Year

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year. It might  be 10 days into the new year  and considered old by some people, but a baby born 10 days ago is still considered a new born. We can still hug one another like it is the 1st of the day of the year. I wish you all a wonderful year ahead.

I received the book I won on Coy Introvert's end of year giveaway this morning. She packed the book so well with beautiful wrapping paper, my daughter asked if  Santa  had come again. She also attached a handwritten card. The content of the card` is what I will like to share with everyone * since I can't share the book*.

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result but the cause of fear. Perhaps the action you will take will be successful: perhaps different; action and adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.  Norman Vincent Peale

May you be able to explore all the opportunities you come across this new year. Remember "any action is better than no action at all"   Coy Introvert

Happy New Year.