Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Kids before Spouse?


I know, I know, Today is not Monday. I just wanted to put it out there that I just love Mondays. Or maybe I should rephrase that and say, I love Mondays till 3pm. Monday is my chill day. The day I spend doing something for me, which most times, is sleeping in after everyone leaves the house, or curling to read my book, having a shower or sometimes on occasion soaking in a bath in peace with no child coming to wait for me or ask if I am okay because I have stayed in there too long. For 6 hours, I am Okeoghene and not Mommy and this gives me a high and keeps me sane for the week.

Hope you guys had a great weekend.

This past weekend while visiting with friends we got into the discussion of which relationship comes first in the home, the one you have with your partner or the one you have with your kids. Everyone agreed that both relationships are important but I noticed that more women chose the kids instead of their spouse. Their argument was that children are being molded and need more attention than their husbands and of course the man will understand , because he should also be giving the same attention to the child; I was shocked when someone said all men want is sex  and that doesn't last  long anyways.

For me, yes children are important but  what you have with your spouse ranks higher.  As a parent I am supposed to be a model to my  children. The home is the first place where the child experiences what a family should look like. Children are visual sponges, they are seeing and they are absorbing. They are also testing boundaries and they want everything and everyone to revolve around them. However I choose to handle the relationship I  have with my spouse  affects our kids. I might think I am doing so much for my kids, taking care of their needs and them, but there is nothing like being a good example of what a strong marriage should look like; what team work should look like, what showing love, respect and affection should look like. Both of us, our union, should teach them this.

Keeping my husband in the  "understanding-pot" on the back burner will not make him happy. He will feel neglected. He is not just my room mate but my partner and my lover. Making my spouse a priority teaches my children respect of self and others. I don't want my child growing up  obnoxious, thinking  he  is the sun and everyone should revolve around him. It is my job to teach him and what better way than for him to see it at home?


  1. This argument has gone on for a while and even though I am not married, I totally agree with your point of view.

    The other question I ask people that believe wives should choose their kids over their spouses is "What happens to your relationship with your husband when the kids are out of the house?"

  2. For me I think there should be a balance. I am trying to incorporate all the aspects; including the ones that suggest the man should be more understanding. Once there is a healthy balance, it should be okay. If you have a man that is so possessive up to the extent that he wants every attention from you to be concentrated on him, you might need to remember that the kids deserve some as well, on the other hand, if you are one that thinks because you are now a mother you have to neglect your roles as a wife, then you also need to put that in check. Both relationships are really important. You just need to try to devote your time accordingly.

  3. All the words of advice I have heard from seasoned counsellors have indicated that your spouse should come first. Ideally, kids come and go, but spouses will be there forever. Also, many couples don't survive the empty nest years because they spent all their 20 years concentrating on their kids, instead of spouse.

  4. I think balance is important. Kids need nurturing but they spouse should not be neglected too