Thursday, October 13, 2011

Domestic Violence

Grandma Procrastination was really listening when I said I was going to post something the very next day and she made sure I didn't * that's me passing the blame for something i should have done that I didn't do.* Emotional affairs still coming up but I would like to talk about domestic violence today.

Tega did a registry wedding with her boyfriend, Ogagan, so she would be posted to Lagos state for her NYSC. So everyone was waiting for them to officially wed, maybe traditional or church later where they would invite people and be known as a married couple. Three years after NYSC, no wedding . So people, started asking Tega what the problem was; did she have a change of mind? She said everything was fine. They will do it one day. Two years after that, they still are not married, if you ask Ogagan, he will say he is ready; Tega says Ogagan wants to finish his MBA first before they settle down. Really it is nobodys business if they decide to do the traditional or whatever people want them to do, but you know people now. They were always asking. Some days Tega comes to work with a bruises on her body and she blames it on okada accidents. Nobody read anything to it cos she seemed happy and Ogagan also seemed to be the doting boyfriend/husband. No one knew that she was a punching bag at night. No one knew that Ogagan would go through her phone for text messages or calls from guys that he doesn't know and then make sure she explains to his satisfaction *which she doesnt do most times and he has already made up his mind to act the beast* Everyone heard about that bank staff whose husband butchered her and even Tega said the girl should have left before it got that bad.

People handle challenges in different ways. Some people write about it, Some people just plain write about anything, some people might have a confidante who they talk to. Tega got very close to one guy at work and she told him what she was going through. She enjoyed his company and though they didnt have any physical intimacy, they shared sexual fantasies. The guy wants her to leave Ogagan to save her life. She is scared cos she thinks Ogagan will fulfill his threat and haunt her if she dares leave him. Her family says she should stick it out cos maybe she is the cause of the beatings and you know men would always be men *SMH*

Now I ask, is it worth it marrying someone just to beat the NYSC system and remain in a particular state? Why would a woman stay with a man who thinks he is Sugar Ray and can box her at anytime? *I remember a friend I had once who in mirth will hit me on the back, though it wasn't painful o, I didn't wait to see what he would do if he is upset.* Why would society permit men to be crude all in the name that men will be men? Only men without self control and discipline hit women. What do you guys think?


  1. Interesting post..Wow Tega..I do hope she runs as fast and far as she can..

    I really dont get it either, it is either the guy have made one feel the way they have never felt, thus they think leaving him means loosing out (talking from experience)..But now I say its not worth it, will the guy beat the NYSC system to come be with you? is he willing to move or change jobs for you? I dunno about this registry wedding thing but ha I thank God shined my eyes before falling a victim to it if not I would have been married to my ex..

    P.s Registry work for some people, but I believe you should play your cards right before doing it least you regret..

    Tega can still leave the man is she is willing to and stop waiting for him to change cos he will never change. Let the next woman enjoy him whenever he decides to changes..nonsense man...longgggggggg hiss

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  3. Blessings.....
    Domestic violence is used as a means to assert power and control over another. It comes in many forms some of which includes verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse (often viewed as impossible in boyfriend/husband relationship), and physical abuse.

    There really is no excuse for violence. When there is domestic violence it is not about love it is about control. It seems simplistic solution to say, "Just leave," but there is more to it than that, it’s a psychological and emotional thing as well. Before a man hits he has already waged a psychological warfare on that woman through endless manipulative mind games and verbal abuse slowly but effectively eroding/corroding her self-esteem by the time the physical abuse begins already (brainwashing if you will) has a tight hold on her psyche. He has successfully convinced her that she is worthless, that nothing she has if of value, that no one would love her and her loved ones are the bargaining tools by which he holds her hostage threatening their health and safety.

    Apart from the fear and isolation people who are victims of domestic abused also carry the weight of self-blame and shame. They are ashamed to tell friends or loved ones.

    Ogagan like the other men that are violent with their partners are pitifully weak men who seeks to gain strength, affirmation of there manhood through power and control asserted through the violence perpetrated against others

    Very serious issue DV it crosses all ethnicities, culture and class of peoples. I work in this field and it is neverending even with all the work being done to stop DV it seems the perpetrators/victims are unfortunately infinite.

    Stay blessed. good read.

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  5. I can not readily think of an excuse why a man would hit his wife. Any man who hits a woman is a weakling!

    I do not believe a woman should subject herself to such torture all in the name of having the title "MRS." Tega should move on before it becomes too late.

  6. Geez,she got it really bad.Well,like you said people handle situations differently.Meanwhile,here *throws a piece of brick at her* That's for making us wait so long.*evil laughter*

  7. A man who beats his wife is a weak one. I am a man and I think any woman in this scenario should speak up! Each passing day only worsens your chances. He won't change!

  8. Registry wedding is still a wedding, but in this time, thank God for Nigeria, where papers can be made to miss or something, or divorce papers bought. Girl should get out of it as soon as she can and then find her way outta Nigeria till the noise dies down.

    And she shouldnt run into the arms of the next man that comes. a little gap/rest pls.

  9. Domestic abuse is sad but a lot of time the abusers are cowards only they think that being tough is beating the crap out of someone. It takes a real man like Jesus to be patient. About the registry wedding it is real? or not real? not so important but it is that to her loved ones and to Tega to do the white wedding meant more but he was able to get her to stoop lower for him-- that is one of the traits of abusers. As charming as they are with words they can get their victims to do anything and everything. If she wouldn't have lowered her standards he would have left since she proved herself to be stronger.

  10. Tega should flee o before it is too late. I guess she is scared of the guy, but she should be more scared of what would happen if he was to beat her to death. I marvel at some men sha.